Daily Archives: April 10, 2012
Having been online dating since moving to NYC in 2000, it goes without saying that I have more experience perusing men’s online dating profiles than any single gal should. I want to share with you what I’ve found to be the top ten dating profile “red flags” that could save you the ridiculous amount of time that I have now forever lost by corresponding with and/or going out with some total losers.
Disclaimer: To any of the men whose profiles inspired and unknowingly lent to the quotes that comprise my post, let’s all hope for your sake that knowing is truly half the battle.
1. Hat Trick
If a guy’s profile only features photos of him sporting a baseball cap, don’t just assume that it’s his favorite hat or that all of the photos must have been taken from the same outing. In “physical description” he may have even filled in the question of “hair color” with “ask me later.” Don’t get me wrong, a lot of bald guys are hot. What’s NOT hot is a self-loathing, insecure guy that’s hiding under his hat.
2. “Model” Citizen
Avoid a guy that talks about how he does some “acting and modeling on the side,” is a “former model/personal trainer,” or any variation of having once had a “lucrative career as a model.” They either feel that all they have going for them is their looks, are living in the past, or they’re not looking so great these days and are hoping by mentioning they used to model, you will find them hotter.
3. CAPITAL OFFENSE
ANY GUY THAT WRITES HIS ENTIRE PROFILE IN ALL CAPS SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. I.E. “I`M JUST YOUR EVERY DAY PEOPLE AND WOULD LIKE TO MEET SOMEONE SEXY, AND DOWN TO EARTH.” UH, CAPITAL “NO.” IT’S AS IF THEY’RE OVER-COMPENSATING WITH LARGE FONT FOR THEIR SMALL INTELLECTUAL CAPACITY.
4. “Killer” Profile
If a guy’s profile pic even remotely resembles Jeffrey Dahmer, to the point where you’re seriously questioning if it is actually him or perhaps a first cousin, you might want to go ahead and click “next.” You know what I’m talking about, the thin guy with the glasses, scraggily hair and a total menacing, pedofile-esque look on his smile-less face. Granted, some people aren’t photogenic and look better in person, but honestly, are you willing to risk your life on it?
5. Lost In Translation
“Maybe should me first by said that English is no my speaking.” If you think that was hard to decipher, imagine how much time he put “into” perfecting it via his use of the [insert any foreign language] to English on-line dictionary. I’m sorry ladies, I don’t know about you, but I for one don’t have the patience to date a guy that requires subtitles. I’ve done it once, and you just end up smiling and nodding a lot.
6. Actions Speak Louder Than Words
I get really turned off by the guys that describe themselves as “very attractive,” “charming,” “kind,” “honest,” “generous,” “romantic,” “blah,” “blah,” “adjective,” “blah.” First of all, “attractiveness” is in the eye of the beholder, so post your pic and let us be the judge. And as for the rest of it, I feel it should come across in what you say and be more of a “show-not-tell.”
7. Humor Me
Along those same lines are the guys that find the need to describe their humor ala “I have a dry wit, sure to make you laugh,” or “I think that my most marked trait is a somewhat self-deprecating sense of humor.” They may even go as far as to say, “I’m the funniest guy you’ll ever meet. LOL.” Be warned ladies, these are likely the least funny guys ever. Date the self-proclaimed “funny guy” and you’ll be courtesy laughing for life.
8. Don’t “Hang” Yourself
“I’m looking for someone to hang out with and get to know.” Translation: I’m not looking for a relationship or to take you out on dates. I just want to come “kick it “ at your crib late night, so I can get familiarized with your liquor cabinet and favorite positions. Don’t worry, I’ll bring the 420. Let’s just say these relationships tend to be as short-lived and easily delete-able as the text messages they’re usually founded on.
9. Come Correct
If someone mentions that they are “opened to the possibilities,” “have interests which might seem like contractions,” are “emmotionally available” and/or, get this, find “grammatical errors an spelling mitakes a turn off,” you may even want to go as far as to “flag” the profile as inappropriate.
10. “Fit” To Be Tied
Avoid any and all guys that say, “working out and staying in shape are very high on my list of priorities.” They probably then delve into stats on how frequently they go to the gym. They of course like to do a “variety of things including hiking, skiing, triathlons, running, biking, etc.” They keep themselves “in tip-top shape and believe the body is a gift and should be maintained.” What they clearly haven’t realized is that being SO “fit” and “big” actually makes “it” appear even smaller than what they’re already trying to over-compensate for.
As single women, it’s not always easy to go after what you want, to put yourself out there without fearing the possibility of rejection or coming across as desperate. Here are my tried-and-true reject-proof ways to covertly pick up men. Trust me, take my advice and they won’t know what hit ‘em.
1. “Digital Underground”
This tactic is guaranteed to not only get him to take your number but also get his digits. This requires an over-sized, seemingly disorganized looking purse or bag and can pretty much be used anywhere. I inadvertently stumbled upon this maneuver on a flight home to Texas. I was on a crowded airplane and during the ‘hustle and bustle’ of stowing my luggage and getting settled in my seat came to discover I no longer had my cell phone. In a panic, I turned to the guy in the seat behind me, explained the situation and asked if he could call my phone so I could try to find it. Gave him my digits and had him make the call.
As soon as I heard my phone start ringing I immediately realized what had just transpired and the new “super power” I now possessed of being able to give hot guys my number while simultaneously obtaining theirs. Turned out my cell was in my purse. We shared a laugh, chatted before take-off and ended up going out for a drink later that weekend as he conveniently had my digits and ended up “text” asking me out.
2. “The Bend Sans Snap”
This would end up being my biggest take-away from the movie Legally Blonde years after the fact, but I must say it is one of the most effective ways to initiate a conversation with a guy you’re interested in. It’s especially effective to use at a party. The first time I attempted it was on a dare at a party, my “gay husband” dared me to do the “bend and snap” to get the attention of a hot guy. I said “fine”, strutted by him dropping my clutch, practically on his foot. I seductively bent down, arched my back while picking it up…and before I could even manage a snap, he asked if I had lead in my purse. Thirty minutes later into a conversation with this guy, I realized that there was really something to this whole “bend and snap” thing.
I’ve since done it with car keys, lipstick, and even towels at the gym. Cell phones work really well, because sometimes your phone will fall apart upon hitting the floor and that buys you more time with the guy as he tries to put it back together and even sympathy if he can’t fix it (Disclaimer: make sure it’s insured or this can quickly become costly). I’ve definitely done the “bend sans snap” without so much as even a glance from my target, but I’d say it works 75% of the time and the times it didn’t work I’m pretty sure the guys were non-breeders or at least that’s what I tell myself to make it okay.
3. “Fly Me To The Moon”
I came to discover this technique riding the subway home from work. I was fixated on a super hot guy standing by the door, think Boris Kodjoe. I was looking him up and down and up and down, about to do a thrice over when I noticed his fly was totally down. I walked over to him and whispered “your fly”. He of course was caught off guard, fumbling as he tried to quickly and discreetly zip it up. He kept thanking me for looking out for him and was so appreciative. We ended up chatting until my stop came upon which he asked for my digits.
If we were all only so lucky to constantly run into hot guys with their fly down. Desperate times call for desperate measures; you’ve got to create these “fly down” situations for yourself. If I see a cute guy in line or sitting at the bar now I’ll sometimes be like, “you’ve got something in your nose”, or “a little something on your mouth.” Totally makes the guy vulnerable and embarrassed as they start wiping their face and trying to get “it” off and it opens the door for them to talk to you. Keep in mind this tactic works best if done ‘one on one’ and discreetly. You’re probably not going to win him over if you “out” him for the stain on his pants in front of the entire office.
4. “Be Direct, Ask For Directions”
It’s a little known fact; men love being the “experts.” They also tend to eat up the whole damsel in distress routine, leading us to our fourth and final method for getting their attention. If I’m ever walking somewhere and see an attractive guy on the street I’ll walk up to him and say, “excuse me, I’m totally lost can you help me find ‘blah’.”
If a guy is interested in me, this will lead to an entire conversation where I will share how I’ve been directionally challenged my entire life, where I’m originally from, hell, I may even get him to drop what he’s doing entirely and escort me to my “destination”. At the end of the day, what’s the worst thing that can happen? If he’s not that “into” you, he’ll tell you where to go, you’ll ignore his directions and be on your merry way.
I’ll never forget my first speed dating event. I was 32, single, living in NYC and SO unimpressed with the dating scene. I had tried pretty much every singles event out there and then decided to give speed dating a go. I signed up for an event for singles 25-35. Upon arriving, I found myself surrounded by a sea of short, unattractive, socially awkward men. My first date started with the guy saying, “I know you, you’re on Match.com. I emailed you 10 times and you never responded to me. I paid my $40 and now you have to talk to me for 8 minutes.”
That brutal experience was the catalyst for me being inspired to create my own dating service where I could finally meet the type of men I was looking to meet while subsidizing my income at the same time.
Why Speed Dating:
At a bar, you don’t know who is single and it’s not always easy to strike up a conversation with a stranger. With speed dating, there’s WAY less disappointment and false advertising than the online dating scene, as you get to check out the merchandise up close and in-person.
Chemistry is instant– it’s either there or it’s not. Speed dating gives you the chance to assess having a connection with someone without committing to the time and expense of a full-on date. Plus, you can meet anywhere from 10-25 singles in a night. That’s more “dates” than the majority of people go on in a year.
What To Expect:
Most speed dating events take place at bars and lounges, coffee shops or restaurants. Upon arriving you will check in with your event host and receive a name tag, dating pamphlet and pencil. Next, you will be seated at a numbered table with your first “date” of the night. Once the official start bell rings, you will have approximately 3-5 minutes to get to know each other. The dating pamphlets and pencils are to takes notes on your dates so you can remember who’s who after the event.
After 3-5 minutes, a bell will sound signaling the end of the date. At this time, the women will usually remain seated and the men will rotate to the next table. The event will end once everyone has met. You’ll either select your matches online at home after the event, or you’ll turn your pamphlets into your host and they’ll do the matching for you, emailing you the contact information of any interested suitors within 2-3 days after the event.
My Top 10 Speed Dating Survival Tips:
1. Saved By The Bell
Depending on the service you’re using, “dates” can range anywhere from 3-12 minutes. Our events are 3 minutes — I’d rather leave you wanting more than wanting to slit your wrists. And trust me, there are always going to be some painful dates in the mix — the ones that have nothing to say, or equally enjoyable, the ones who won’t shut up. I also recommend going with a company that guarantees a minimum of ten dates.
2. Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number
Think about it: are you more likely to hit it off with someone because they fall within your same 28-35 age range, or because they meet your height requirement, enjoy the same pastimes or hobbies as you, and perhaps even share your same political views? We all have relationship “deal-breakers,” and those do not make us shallow. We’re just discerning singles that know what we want. By registering to attend a themed event (i.e. tall singles, democratic or fitness singles) you will increase the odds of hitting it off with someone.
3. Be Open
There may be an event where you are NOT attracted to anyone in attendance. You may even come to that realization before the event begins. If that’s the case, don’t get negative or shut yourself off to the possibility of meeting someone. I’ve even seen people that have paid for an event, show up, give the crowd a once over and discreetly leave before the event starts. So maybe you don’t meet your next boyfriend, but you could meet your next boss, wing woman or workout partner. You may even meet “the guy” that will be responsible for later introducing you to “the one.” Don’t close yourself off to the possibilities.
4. Breathe Friendly
Always have gum or mints on hand. You’re going to be seated within close proximity of 10-25 “dates” and talking a mile a minute. You definitely don’t want to be without gum or mints midway through an event if your breath suddenly starts kickin’ (not to mention, it’ll come in handy if the guy you’re “dating” is in need).
5. No Monologues
This can totally happen on a normal date, but with speed dating it’s even more problematic and annoying as you are only working with 3-5 minutes. It’s very easy to be long-winded and want to tell the person everything about yourself to impress them. However, keep in mind you have a VERY short amount of time, so even if you manage to miraculously get your whole life story out by the ding of the bell, you could end up not knowing anything about your date. It should really be an exchange of information, give and take.
6. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
Do NOT ask for someone else’s digits or business card at the event, nor should you feel obligated to give your digits out if asked. Speed Dating is designed to be a no-pressure environment. If you want someone to know you like them during an event, let them buy you a drink and talk with them more during a break and definitely select them as a “match” post-event.
7. Perfect Strangers
I know it may be more comfortable to sit next to the two girlfriends that you came to the event with, but it can be VERY intimidating for a guy to speed date a group of friends sitting right next to each other. Furthermore, the constant looks, comments and/or assessments from your friends may sway or distort your own views of a guy. I’ve been to speed dating events where I didn’t meet any guys, but instead ended up hitting it off with the women sitting on either side of me. If you’re sitting by women you already know, you’re not going to meet any new “wing women.”
8. Cruel Intentions
Don’t write someone as a “match” post-event if you have no intention of seeing them again. Sometimes people feel obligated to check someone off as a “match” because they may have seemed like a nice person, however, that is not what speed dating is about. For guys, it tends to be an “ego” thing, where they want as many women as possible to also check them as a “match,” so they select every woman in attendance hoping they’ll reciprocate. Speed dating is not a popularity contest, nor is it intended to be a self-esteem builder. Speed dating is designed to help you find someone you want to date.
9. Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures
If you didn’t follow my advice about not going to an event where the dates are longer than five minutes and you find yourself on a painfully long date where you seriously think you might not make it, I would suggest an urgent, couldn’t be avoided, bathroom break. Do not use this tactic too often, make it sound convincing and time it appropriately so you’re back just in time for your date with the hot guy seated at table four.
10. Know Before You Go
If you get the sense that someone came with friends, it might be a good idea to confirm this notion as you may end up checking two men as a “match” that are friends and dating them both could be problematic.